There are days that are so lonely...

There are days that are so lonely that I wonder if living anymore is even worth it. My Mom died in December 2009. I took care of her during her last years. She was sick since 2006 and she became like my child, she was my mother and she was my best friend. We became closer than ever - what she needed or wanted I tried my best to make all her wishes come true until the end when she was in ICU and the doctors told me there was no hope. All her organs were shutting down and all her health issues were compounded with MRSA, heart disease and pneumonia.

She didn't want to die. I watched her fight dieing - she couldn't swallow her pills anymore but she gave it a good fight and tried to chew them in order to get them down. When she spoke the medicine came out with her breath as she spoke because they were not going down her throat but she wasn't going to give up.

Her pain was so terrible that she did not even want to hold my hand anymore and when I took her hand she would pull it away. It will take me a long time to get over losing her. I miss her so much and only wish that if I had to get laid off, why couldn't it have been when she was still alive so I could spend quality time with her. Life just isn't fair.

Soon after her death I was laid off from my job. There are days I don't get dressed and just walk around the house in circles wondering what happened to my life? My friends worked with me - I worked there so long they were my only friends - and my Mother was my best friend and now I don't have her either. My first born daughter told me her family will be moving out of state because it's just too hard to make ends meet here. I am still in a whirl wind - wondering how in a matter of two months the rug could be pulled out from under my feet and leave me feeling sad, loney and heart broken.

Freckles

Introduction - Freckles Laid Off

At the ripe age of 56 - soon to be 57 I find myself a laid off older female in a society that values youth and beauty. I can't help but wonder if I will I ever get another job? Will I get a job with the healthcare benefits I need because I am a cancer survivor? The unemployment rate is higher than I have ever seen in our country and the market is flooded with so many candidates, many younger than me and with advanced degrees – it’s really pretty scary. I wonder if another company will see my value and look past the 56 years of life you can see on my no longer youthful face.

I was laid off after working (not to be divulged due to severance package agreement) with this company where I gave my blood sweat and tears. Exempt staff had go with this RIF - it was upper management's choice who they would keep and who would go - who would get their heads chopped off and who were protected. Unfortunately I was not protected by the polictics and the others who were friends in management and it was off with my head – along with others who were also over the age of 50.

Then came the dreaded walk to my office for the last time by management and HR as they stood in my office and watched me as I packed all my memories and treasures from the many years of dedication I gave to this company.

There were no good-byes that day - it wasn't allowed. I walked out with my boxes in hand and I could only wave good bye and throw kisses to my friends. After several attempts to call my friends and no one answering their phone or returning my calls I found out that they were told by management not to talk to me. There was an email sent out telling everyone if I called them not to talk to me. Isn't that odd? Anyway I can only assume they fear the same thing will happen to them if they talk to me. I really miss them.

Now I contemplate what I will do to move to the next chapter of my life.
More to come tomorrow.
Freckles